I always thought my husband had pretty easy deployments and never experienced any major violent or life threatening encounters.
Recently it came up in one of our everyday conversations that my husband had in fact had a two very dangerous encounters on his first deployment that he never told me about. At first I didn’t take it personally I mean I know better then many people that our soldiers tend to hold back on this stuff to prevent us from worrying and also because they may not want to think about it or relive it.
All that aside as I started to think about it I guess it bothered me a tad bit. It doesn’t have anything to do with trust issues, I mean who am I to get mad because my hubby doesn’t want me to worry. I think I more got (a tad bit) upset because I think about things very literally.
This is what I was thinking:
“You mean there was a day (or night) that I was laying in bed or out shopping or laughing at the tv and at that very same moment you were getting shot at(exact details weren’t give but I’m assuming) and could have gotten killed ? The thought makes me sick, that at the same time I was experiencing happiness and lounging in our home you were experiencing fear and possible harm.”
It’s so funny when you think you tell each other everything yet some secrets remain but because you understand the reasoning behind not being told you except that as long as there are deployments, there will be …deployment secrets!
Do you prefer your spouse tell you the bad things they encountered during a deployment or would you rather not know?
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My husband told me a few things that happened to him during his deployments. I don’t know if he’s withheld anything. I prayed for him and others prayed for him as well. I know I don’t like talking about traumatic things that happen to me anymore, because it really is like going through it all over again.
My husbands been on two deployments. Goin on his third after this past year. Like many other military wives, when my husband and i got married i stopped watching the news. Just cause i didnt wanna sit at home with our kids and see some shooting and worry if my husband is ok. I know hes gonna be in situations. Hes at war, i get it. When my husband wants to tell me things for deployment i feel as if he needs to get it out and im that someone to talk to. So ill sit listen and support, i mean thats what were suppost to do? Of course i feel theres things he hasnt told me and i dont mind it important thing is hes safe now, hes home. If he told me certain things id be worried then my kids would see me worried and theyd be upset too. With that said if my husband chooses to tell me I listen, but I dont mind not being told either. Somethings are better left unsaid.
My husband and u have our own don’t ask don’t tell ok there are lots of situations and occurrences that he has gone thru that I don’t know about and for that I am grateful he knows how I am when he’s gone and that of i were to know about everything would only make it worse my imagination can guess on its own all the horrible things that happen so not knowing is better but he knows that if it’s something he really needs to discuss I am always hear for him
I think the further away it gets from them, like another year passes by, then it’s easier for them to talk about. I know my husband shared some things with me months or even a year down the road. And I can’t blame him. It’s hard to talk about some of the situations he was in. I also did get phone calls when he was deployed, before we were married, where he’d tell me he literally just got back from a fire-fight. One time he told me, I was going into work, but I knew he was back at the FOB and it helped lessen my anxiety. It’s always scary for all of those involved. I don’t pressure my husband to tell me anything. I know he will when the time is right, or when he’s among friends. I’ve heard horror stories from other soldiers too. Sometimes I think they like sharing with someone who doesn’t really know them. I’ve held soldiers who’ve broken down after returning home. It’s a surreal experience to hold a 250lb man in your arms while he’s weeping over all the things he’s been through and now coming back to in his “regular life”. I try to be there for all of my husbands friends. I may not be a therapist, but I’m a good listener and give great hugs. Sometimes that’s what they need most.
I prefer my husband tell me what he wants to tell me, and
Withhold what he doesn’t want to tell me. I just sit and listen,
but never ask or pry. It usually takes about two weeks of
being home, then he gives me the “talk” over dinner.
But like you mentioned, it’s more of a “need to get something
off his chest or needs to talk” type of discussion.
He’s definitely not obligated to tell me anything.
I totally love and respect my soldier in that way!
I told my husband I didn’t ever want to know for that very reason, however, if something was bothering him I would want him to tell me so that I could help him because I’m his wife and I’m here for him through everything. So one day something was weighing down on him so he told me a tad bit the day that I went into labor with our son I was so upset with him because he wasn’t answering his phone I kept calling and calling and was so afraid I wouldn’t be able to tell him that his son was on his way. Well he finally called back and we got to talk and he answered his phone after his son was born. When he was home for R and R two weeks later he told me the reason he didn’t answer his phone was because work ran late they were out on a mission and on the way back an IUD blew up not far from them Thank God it wasn’t close enough to cause any harm to anyone but if they had left just a minute or two before I don’t like to think what would have happened and all he could think of was I might never get to meet my son makes me tear up just writing about it! I don’t watch the news or like to think about what could happen to him but he knows I’m here for him if he needs me and I guess I’m not so blind to it anymore so it helps me because I pray that much harder while he’s gone. He knows that I won’t make him tell me anything unless I notice that something is wrong. I get where your coming from because I was thinking while I was there in labor with your son so mad at you something could have happened to you so now we make it a point to not hang up mad at each other and not start an arguement we know we don’t have time to finish.
Ive experienced the same. My husband is not open to share things that happen on deployment. But I understand. He has one of the worse jobs in the army right now. He is a combat engineer. Incase you dont know what that is he searches for I.e.d’s and destroys them. He is clearing the way for the rest of the army. Dangerous job right now. But he did tell me a story 5 years later. Getting hurt and in the hospital for days. I had no idea and when I found out I was angry. How could he get hurt and not say a word? But now after the cool down I get it. I’m a worry wart. He was protecting me. If I would have known what happened and when I would have freaked out. Its takin me some time but I now understand it was because he loves me. Yes I want to know but at the same time I don’t. And honestly if I did know half the stuff he has gone thru I would probably put an end to his career. And I know he doesn’t want that. He’s a lifer. He loves what he does. So as long as he is ok with what he goes thru then I need to be and not ask question. If he ever feels the need to tell me, he will. When the time is right.
My husband told me about things after the fact, I appreciated not knowing, I had babies that already made me paranoid and worried, and though I know his job is no picnic in the park I was glad he held off on telling me. The biggest one for him was the night our middle son was born, and had I known then I would have been a wreck. He can tell me as much or as little as he would like, I won’t pry but I hope he knows I am always willing to listen.
My husband didn’t tell me anything while he was on deployment except for “today wasn’t a very good day.” I wished he would tell me more, but I wasn’t willing to push him. Today I now know that was code for something bad happened. One year ago this week, I got a horrible early morning call…my husband had stepped on a land mine in Afghanistan. He was stable and being transported to Germany. I’m very lucky and thankful to have him home with me today, but it has been a long recovery process. Slowly but surely he has opened up with stories about what happened on this last deployment. I thank him for keeping them from me while he was deployed or else I would have been a total sleepless, nut case the entire time! Hindsight, things are definitely different!
This is some good information. I thank you for that. My hubby is deployed right now :(
I would want to know. I hate feeling like there are wedges (secrets) in between us.
Like so many others, I feel it is easier not knowing at the time. Our guys have a job to do and so do we. When they are deployed, we can not be there and it does no good to be sitting at home worrying. Likewise, if they know we are upset they can not fully focus on their task at hand. This can put them and the others with them in danger. We must keep things running smoothly at home and they must do their job and stay safe, so they can return to us. It is so much better for both spouses if they reserve some of the “Bad news” for a time when they are together and no longer have to “Worry” about the other one.
With that said, I do like for my husband to talk to me about what he has gone through, though he says little. Which is probably a good thing, because he is still active duty and deployments are an ongoing thing for us. Maybe one day, after retirement we will share more. Though, he has said that it is hard for the guys to put into words what they are feeling and what they have been through. Until then, through God’s strength, we will both focus on our individual roles and try to be the best mates to each other that we can possibly be.
My soldier and I had an agreement before his last deployment. Don’t tell me about anything that could or may hurt him. Don’t tell me about missions unless I need to know. That is what kept me sane. I know it wasn’t rainbows and butterflies but man if he ever told me stuff while he was deployed I would be worse of a basket case. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. :)
Absolutely agree on ignorance is bliss , especially when you know another deployment is probably going to follow. Thanks for reading :)
I would want him to tell me if it was bothering him. I want to help him, even if it’s just to be an ear or to tell him I love him and I’m proud of him for making the sacrifices he makes. But otherwise, I think ignorance might be best. It would bother me a bit if he told me something happened while he was still over there. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep until he came home if he did that.
I agree with most you ladies this is my husbands first deployment. Though he was good about telling me what went on over there and showing me videos before he deployed, and it would make me worry and scared for him. I would much rather leave it to my imagination then to be told he is getting shot at. Let alone watch the news of things that go on where he’s at. Like most of you ladies I also would be open to listen to him when he is ready to talk about it and if not that is just fine with me, upon his return.