It’s been almost nine years since my first miscarriage. I’ve never written about it for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest reasons is I’ve struggled with the question of “am I allowed to grieve”? Besides that thought I guess I was embarrassed, and I sometimes think I live in denial that my body failed me. MY body allowed me to lose a baby. That’s a hard thought to swallow when you are twenty-four years old and think you are invincible. Needless to say bleeding profusely changed my thoughts.
It was July 2006 and my soldier had just decided to enter the military again…this time the Army. He had already served honorably in the Marine Corps and because of that did not have to go to boot camp. He simply had to attend AIT for six months at Fort Eustis in Virginia. I was living here in the Fort Bragg area since that is where he is from, and had decided to go home to New York to visit family.
Seeking a cheaper option of transportation other than flying-I took my favorite mode of travel Amtrak. Traveling with me were my then two year old son and eight year old daughter. Our trip was a great ride, but when I arrived at New York’s Penn Station I realized that lugging a 35+ pound suitcase and carrying my son up the escalator was probably not the smartest idea. Not to mention that it was hot and I still had to walk to the other side of the train station and down a flight of stairs. In hind sight I probably should have sought out help, or requested to take an elevator, but alas my New Yorker took over and rushing (for no reason) was more important to me.
The minute I arrived at my mother’s house I knew I had a made a mistake because my body just had a weird funny feeling to it. I ignored it and was fine for the first week and a half I was there. Then one day I started spotting very faintly. I didn’t rush to the hospital because I thought faint spotting was normal. Again, maybe I was in denial. Finally while brushing my hair in the bathroom I felt like something was passing though me at which point I began to feel dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out. The bleeding started to become heavier and it looked like I hemorrhaging. My mom took me to the hospital and I was taken to the back right away . I’ll spare you the details but I went through everything you go through when miscarrying. I was 9 weeks.
Uncle Sam was holding my husband hostage 6 hours away and frankly everything had happened so fast that I felt like it was no point for him to come to me. That was my first time learning that the military came first. He could have gotten a pass to come home (probably) but the hassle (imo) wasn’t worth it. I had miscarried and there was nothing me, him or Uncle Sam could do about it.
Until this day I have no clue if it’s okay to grieve when you miscarry…is it?
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Army Wife 101
Krystel is the mom of two and an Army Wife. In addition to Army Wife 101 she is the Co-Founder of SoFluential.com a digital media agency that connects brands with the military market. She has appeared on MSNBC ,FOX LA and formerly was a weekly contributor to HLN's "Raising America". She has written for various outlets including Sheknows and Lifetime and is a big fan of cupcakes and french fries.
Krystel is the mom of two and an Army Wife. In addition to Army Wife 101 she is the Co-Founder of SoFluential.com a digital media agency that connects brands with the military market.
She has appeared on MSNBC ,FOX LA and formerly was a weekly contributor to HLN's "Raising America". She has written for various outlets including Sheknows and Lifetime and is a big fan of cupcakes and french fries. 4 Comments on Is It Okay To Grieve: My First Miscarriage Story
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I had a miscarriage December 4, 2014 but mine was caused by a doctor at evens army community hospital ER by him pushing full body weight on my stomach I felt a pop was sent home then started hemorrhaging found out that he tore the lining of my uterine wall I was 10weeks 4 days pregnant. I still have problems like I can’t be around pregnant women or when people I know find out their having a baby I’m happy for them but not happy. It’s been very hard for me wondering if I will ever have another baby. And other wives are mean to me because I misscarried it’s difficult.
Megan thank you so much for sharing your story. That is awful to go through a miscarriage at the hands of your very own doctor. I still have a hard time seeing someone else’s pregnancy news too. It’s not that I’m not happy for them but it does bother me to a degree.
I’ve had 2 miscarriages this past year. The first was a missed miscarriage(I had no symptoms of a miscarriage and found out when there was no heartbeat at my doctor’s appointment) and the second was a natural miscarriage that I was anticipating since I’d had early ultrasounds and the fetus was not growing as expected. It is absolutely okay to grieve, but it’s hard for me because I have a son who is 18 months and healthy as can be. Anytime I’m feeling down about it, I think about him and how it could be so much worse(if I had no children). I’ve come to terms with my miscarriages and even with the fact that I may not be able to have another child, but what kills me is thinking that my son may have to grow up as a single child. I don’t want that for him at all, so we’re going to keep trying, but in my heart I know that I’m the luckiest mom in the world to have my perfect, healthy little boy and if he ends up being an only child I can be nothing but happy that I was gifted with him.