Military couples aren’t always under the same roof, in the same time zone or on the same continent. It is almost guaranteed that at some point, you and your significant other will endure a period of separation thanks to moving, training or deployment.

Now, let’s be candid. Your conversation with your favorite service member isn’t always going to be squeaky clean, so how can you maintain long-distance intimacy in a mindful fashion?

I asked military spouses how they keep the fire lit while exercising caution. I thank them for sharing intimate details and creative maneuvers, and for privacy, all contributors will remain anonymous.


He Wants Photos

He is requesting photos (and not the type with your kids in them), and you aren’t quite sure where to start. These tips from milspouses can get you ready for your closeup:

  • Get a good photo app. “My favorite is a free app called YouCam Perfect. It softens, polishes and offers great filters for a perfect shot. Knowing I look good boosts my confidence, and that is very sexy.”
  • Take several photos at once. “I found that just one photo didn’t do it for him, so I started taking a few at once. Sometimes I’d multitask while getting dressed (or undressed), or when taking a shower. Other times I would plan outfits, have my hair and makeup ready, and enjoy it. It was better to have photos ready to go than always have to drop what I was doing and send them on demand. Also, receiving photos unprompted is something he loves!”
  • Enlist a friend to help. “I asked my friend to come over and she and I took classic pinup photos of each other! The guys loved them and if others see them, it’s not a big deal because they aren’t scandalous.” (Here are some ideas from another Army Wife 101 article on a DIY pinup photo shoot.)
  • Wear something of his. “I like wearing an oversized shirt of my husband’s. It’s so simple, but he loves knowing that a part of him is still with me.”
  • Black and white. “If you’re shy and just getting started, never forget the forgiving nature of black and white! It looks gorgeous and artsy.”
  • Don’t forget your timer. “Not every photo needs to be taken from arm’s length. Setting the camera away from you can allow for full-body shots and different angles. Another idea is turning on video, doing a few poses, and then taking screen shots from that.”
  • Crop out your face/identifying marks. “If taking risque photos, you can always crop out your face, or just show a portion of your face, like your mouth. Also, you can always edit out tattoos, birthmarks, etc. I love silhouette photography with a light behind me. These will prevent you from being easily identified.”
  • Be aware of your background. “A simple (and CLEAN) background is the most attractive. Also, if you are trying to hide your identity, make sure your photo from the last military ball isn’t in the background!”

Story Time

You’re talking about how much you miss each other and start dreaming of your reunion. When that conversation goes beyond hugs and kisses, here are some tips from ladies who have been there:

  • Pseudonyms. “It makes me feel better, but if we don’t mention anyone by name in our chat, it seems a bit more anonymous. Sometimes we just use first initials and other times we use code names. It feels a bit like espionage at that point!”  
  • Add visuals. “I am no writer, so sometimes I’ll tell a visual story. I’ll talk about him looking into my eyes, then send quick video of me winking. I talk about kissing him, and send a quick video of me blowing him a kiss. It’s quick and easy with today’s technology.”
  • Have him select your clothes. “Because we are in different timezones, I’ll lay out bras and panties and take photos of two or three options and ask him to pick them out for me for the following day. The next morning I wake to his selection, and all day we share a little secret.”
  • Battle writer’s block. “I am an 80s kid and love the ‘Choose Your Own Adventure Series.’ Sometimes when we’re conversing, I’ll give him a choice of two storyline options, sort of like a sexy crossroads. It’s fun for both of us!”

Play It Safe

Please keep in mind that anything you share, photograph or write may be subject to the gaze of others. Here are a few tips to remember:

  • Install a separate chat app. “Don’t accidentally send grandma a photo! If you mostly use Facebook Messenger for communications with everyone, install a separate app just for sexy time. One like WhatsApp or Snapchat helps prevent communication lines from accidentally getting crossed.”
  • Put photos in a safe place. “The last thing I want is my child scrolling through my photos on my phone and finding something not intended for her eyes. I either use the Keep Safe Photo Vault app or just delete immediately after sending.”
  • Create a shadow account. “This goes without saying, but if you are sending adult content, NEVER send to his work email or from your work email. It’s super easy to set up free Gmail accounts just for sexy content. Heck, you can even create a fake first and last name for the account, which can hold your adult chats and photos, and provide you with a better sense of comfort.”
  • Delete, delete, delete. “My husband and I agree to delete after viewing. It’s like the technological version of ‘burn after reading.’ Sometimes we’ll take a screenshot of our blank chat window to demonstrate that a delete has occurred. A lot of trust goes into this.”
  • Only video chat. “I am paranoid that anything I send will be found, so we just stick to video chats. You can do them through Skype, Gmail, Facetime on your iPhone, or even through Facebook messenger! Just make sure if others are nearby, you use headphones.”

Keeping It Spicy

Military couples make significant sacrifices (including our sex lives), and doing what we can to maintain an intimate connection is very important. Please remember that anything you send can be subject to viewing by someone else. Talk to your partner, decide on comfort levels, exercise caution and strike a balance between risk and reward.

I thank the spouses who assisted with this article by providing excellent tips. Best of luck to you and your service member, and happy texting!

Jackie Toops Head ShotA self-described “Jackie of All Trades,” Army wife Jackie Toops is a mother of two and enjoys writing, travel, art, languages, slow cooking and peaceful parenting. She studied Interdisciplinary Humanities, Museum Studies and Nonprofit Management, and has overseen public relations for museums, galleries and universities. She is a contributing author for Wall Street International Magazine and has discussed her articles on-air with AFN Wiesbaden. She’s usually seen adventuring with her Canon, a coffee and two small children. Follow her on Twitter.



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A self-described “Jackie of All Trades,” former Army wife Jackie Toops enjoys exploring the various facets of her personality by chronicling military life, world travels, family, her love of the arts and more. Her academic background is in the fields of Interdisciplinary Humanities, Museum Studies and Nonprofit Management, and she has overseen public relations for museums, galleries and universities. Jackie’s articles have been featured on Army Wife 101, Wall Street International Magazine, SoFluential, HomeAway, Military Biz Connection and FamiliesGo. While stationed in Germany, she regularly discussed her articles on-air with the Armed Forces Network in Wiesbaden. A mother of two, Jackie enjoys coffee, freelance writing, languages and discovering new ways to express herself. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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